Many years ago, my son who was just 5years old came back from school with his report card. He came up to me and said,’ Mummy are you happy? I got good marks.’ What he said hit me like a ton of bricks. I was stumped and did not know what to say. Introspection led to a lot of uncomfortable questions. I realised that my happiness did not depend on what he did or did not do, I was just happy to have him there with me.
It is not surprising that we have all gone through such experiences where we put the responsibility of our feelings on the situations around us or people putting the responsibility of their feelings on us (there was a long queue and I got angry), or people around us (he said something to upset me), or achievements (you make me proud or you disappoint me). The first thought which pops up is what is happening out here? When we analyze it we realize that we are putting the responsibility of what we feel on what is happening to us or the situation around us. This was really worth exploring.
The question I asked myself was,’ Is this really really true?’The responsibility of what I feel is because of an external stimulus? This is quite interesting because if this were true then it would mean that I have no control over what I think and feel. It would also mean that every time I feel something (that is almost all the time) someone else is controlling it. I do not like the thought or the soundof it as I would like to be in control of what I do.
I decided to check it out.
I came back home after a long tiring day to find that my husband had got into the kitchen to make something and the whole place was a mess. I was angry and I did say a few harsh words that day. I was already tired and he was adding fuel to the fire by adding to my workload. My response seemed fair enough.
On another occasion, I had a great day at the office and I came home and found the same old mess in the kitchen. The situation was similar. I recall telling him, “Honey, thanks for helping out in the kitchen... let me help you clean up the kitchen.”
Hmm.. the situation was the same but my response was different on the two occasions. Though I was looking for an excuse for my response, it was in my control in both the situations. It was my state of mind which engineered the response.
I realized that in most situations - “I was in control of what I FEEL”
The awareness that I am in control of my feelings (and it was not dependent on the situation or people around me) made me realize that -
- I am in control
- I choose to feel what I feel
- I do not blame others
- I am open to looking at options to manage the feelings.
This is really powerful. Isn’t it?
My son is 12 years old now. His response to a test result is distinctly different now. When he comes and tells me:’ I am thrilled with my marks’, I realized that his happiness is not dependent on how I feel. I tell him,’ I am happy for you’’. Alright, now that I know I am in control, how can I respond in certain other situations where I feel something and I want to express it.
Let’s take a few examples and see what happens when I change my response:
Typical response : “I am angry because you are not listening to me.”
Response with awareness : “I am feeling frustrated. I want your attention’
Typical response’ You disappointed me. You have made mummy sad’’.
Response with awareness: ‘’I am feeling sad’’.
Typical response '“You made your mother proud”
Response with awareness: “I am feeling happy.”
Typical response “You hurt me”
Response with awareness “I am feeling hurt. When you refuse to do what I ask of you , I take it as an insult”
The responses with awareness does the following -
- Expresses my feelings and expectations
- Does not blame or pass judgement on the other person.
- Enables me to take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings
- Provides me the vocabulary to express my feelings
It is so freeing to know that I have the control on how I feel and react to situations around me. Earlier there was a feeling of helplessness with no choices. Now, when I think about this, I can see so many choices and it makes me feel powerful.
The other day, it so happened that my daughter brought her friends over for play and by the time the children left, the whole room was a mess with all the toys lying around the room. I had informed her and her friends to clear up before they left and it did not happen. I was ready with my dialogue of how it upsets me when she does not listen to me. The thought that I was giving away my control stopped me from doing that.
I took a step back to become aware of what I was feeling. The realization that I was irritated because I wanted the room to be in a certain way took away the focus from my daughter. I took a long breath and took a minute to think of the choices I had. I told her that I was feeling irritated as I just wanted the toys to be back in the shelves. She was willing to do it and as we both cleared up the place together smiling and singing, I felt happy for having made this choice instead of the earlier one as I enjoyed the time we spent together. Not only does it help me, it helps the child to become aware of her feelings and provides an opportunity for her to develop the vocabulary to express her feelings.
I have come to the conclusion that in any situation, when I am expressing a feeling, if I take out time to pay ATTENTION to my FEELINGS, take RESPONSIBILITY for those feelings and then express it with my NEED or EXPECTATIONS, it not only helps me to have choices, it also helps to make my communication more effective.
These are, of course, my experiences. You will see the magic in it when you start exploring and seeing for yourself how it works for you. You are welcome to share your experiences and thoughts. Once we are comfortable with this process and are able to apply this process on ourselves, we can look at the possibility of helping our children embrace their emotions and working with them.
By Subha Parthasarathy
For www.discovermedubai.com
