5 signs indicating you to revise your parenting style

We are not born knowing exactly what we should do as parents. This is a huge and overwhelming responsibility that transforms each day into a hard, yet empowering and wonderful experience. That is why we should always be careful at our parenting style. Are our actions in the benefit of the child? What consequences have our choices for their development?

From time to time, each parent should reconsider his parenting style. Sit down and think about what happened in a time frame: how did you and your child change? What conflicts did you have? What could you have done differently?

Just to give you a helping hand, read 5 signs that indicate you should revise your parenting style. Keep in mind this does not mean you are not a good parent! It just suggests you could do some improvements in your child’s benefit:   

                         

1.    You are using a lot the time-out discipline technique,THEN Time to use TIME-IN :)

A technique recommended even by some experts, the time-out is leaving the child in isolation. Yet, recent studies show that this approach, adopted even in a gentle way, may have negative effects on children as they feel a strong need of bonding and connecting to others. The lesson of solitude and isolation is not a good lesson for anyone and much less for children! They will think that each time they do something wrong or are dealing with problems and worries, they should force themselves to be alone.

Researchers studied the brain scans of many children who were isolated during punishment and reached the conclusion their brain looked exactly like the ones of children who got physical abuse.

                 

2.    You are living in the past when it comes to interactions with children

Each period of time has a different dynamic. Each child/parent is different. You cannot relate to your child, thinking about how your parents behaved with you or how you were as a child. Children have their own personality from a very early age so you should respect and value this.

It’s not a good idea either to compare you with other parents skills and try to be better than them.

3.    You are trying to make your child a better version of you

Maybe another way of living in the past, remember your child is not a different version of you, he is a totally different person. He might want something else, act differently and you have no right to shape him as you would like him to be. This pressure might harm children, leading to permanent emotional damage, says the Danish therapist and author Jesper Juul, the one who wrote “Raising Competent Children”.

4.    You are constantly reproaching and adopt criticism

The same Danish therapist says reproach and critics will only lead to frustrating and intimidating your child. Even if you may think this is the only way to motivate him, remember there are plenty of other solutions like setting goals, learning through play, being a model for your child etc. Showing respect – to a child, but with anyone else, too – will draw the same behavior. A toddler, a teenager or an adult – everyone deserves and wait for respect and encouragement.

                     

5.    You are too permissive

The other way round of parenting style – too permissive – wouldn't be a very good way of approaching your child. Kids and teenagers wants you to be a leader who empathizes and paves path for them to behave on their own free will. If you are not trying to make a balance between your rules and gentleness, your permissive style will lead to many flaws: he will not be able to develop an internal happiness, to understand and take responsibilities, you will be overwhelmed by your compromises and your child will neither trust you, nor in himself etc.

  

HAPPY PARENTING 

5 Ways to Raise Self-Engaged Learner

Want to know the secrets of expert pedagogists? The decade old researches on how to create and nurture self-engaged learners? Look no further! In this article, we put together the best ways you can promote self-engagement in your child. By the way, what is “self-engagement” anyway? Many parents with constantly complaining kids or kids who tend to get distracted easily will be able to relate with this idea. How many times have we tried to spread out a painting or a craft activity, including those expensive DIY kits, and settle down with a cup of coffee, only to hear “Mom/Dad! I need help!!” We empathize with you. If you want those prolonged, blissful hours of peace while your child labors over a project, read these tips.

1. The Power of Pep Talk — If there is one powerful weapon, you as a parent have, that cannot be provided by an education system in the world, is the power of “pep talk” with your child. Nothing, we repeat nothing will compare to this power. These talks remain with your child in times of stress and happiness. These talks are what we call “human values”. Try this: “There is nothing on this earth that you cannot do. All challenges were created for humans, you are a human, you can do this.” Talks like these will elevate the self-belief and the sense of worth in your child. Imagine packing them with power in short sessions like these. So the next time they need help, they will be more in control.   

2. Be approachable:  Do you look like a person who exudes fear and forbiddance? That’s sad. If you want your children to be more self-engaged and less disrupting in their activities, win their trust in one thing: make them realize that you are always approachable. Children have the tendency to attract attention when they know they won’t get any! Studies indicate that teachers and care-providers when appear approachable, well prepared, and sensitive to the children’s needs, then children tend to work harder and longer at their tasks! Did you ever think of that?

3. Take it Up Another Notch: Okay, here’s another common misconception amongst parents. We tend to assign relatively easier tasks to our children, especially when it comes to drawing and art activities. Create educational experiences for students that are challenging and enriching and that extend their academic abilities. Connect their home based activities to their future and immediate surrounding, Talk about the value of their tasks in their personal life. Easy learning activities and assignments are not as effective at engaging children as activities and assignments that challenge them. So when do you know your child is actually engaged in their task? When you find them probing, reflecting, questioning, conjecturing, evaluating, and making connections between ideas, they are engaged.  

4. Enable your children to become active citizens — What is the relevance of active dialogue between you and your child when they don’t get to materialize any ideas? Talk about giving back to the community they live in. If there is a charity auction, have your children donate their toys. In fact, try this, for every toy they buy, they need to donate one toy! Talk about recycling, re-inventing and innovations that serve mankind. Don’t worry about sounding too lofty to your child. They need such ideas at this age (before they become too far-fetched in adulthood, unfortunately). So what will happen when they learn citizenship values? Any project they work on at home or school, they would want it to be a part of their environment. Congratulations, you have instantly taught the value of their efforts!

5. Connect with Your Social and Cultural Values — Talk about your culture using multi-media and even family memorabilia. Help them connect with their friends of similar culture, especially during the traditional holidays. This will create a sense of belonging to the world they live in. It will strengthen their identity and satisfy their sense of being. This is especially essential for minority kids who need to be successful not only in the classroom but in extra-curricular activities as well.

Reference Zepke, N., and Leach, L. (2010). Improving student engagement: Ten proposals for action. Active Learning in Higher Education, 11 (3), 167-177.

Why our Parenting Style is Similar to Our Parents

 Does this sound like you: “No, means NO, you cannot do it, because I say so.” Or “ How many times do I have to tell you, now sit down and write on a paper fifty times, you wont do this again!” or “ Don’t run after you finish eating, it is bad for your health.” And many such phrases that actually make you sound like your father or mother. Do you find yourself behaving, acting or even screaming like your parents at your children? You may have sworn that you would never be your parents to your children, but becoming your parents is inevitable. 

Many of the things we say to our children are actually manifestations of our past experiences as children. These words have been programmed into our brains through repeated experiences. The ultimately mold our parenting style. While our parents can be a great influence on our parenting style, but it really isn’t the end of the ideas we may have for bringing up our children. All we need to do is be conscious of our habits and acknowledge the similarities with our parents. In this article we will tell you how you can make a parenting style change.

Simply make a list of things you liked about your parents What did they do that helped you become the person you are today. Did your parents make you confident and secure? Did they lovingly encourage you to become your best self? Did they make you more conscious of your body (weight issues). Did they make you conscious of your actions (being honest). Did they yell a lot? Or were they subdued when very angry? All these reactions have helped made you into YOU! Simply separate your good experiences from your bad ones. Keep the list growing by adding to it over the next few days. Keep adding until you have nothing to add. Consult your siblings to confirm whenever in doubt. 
In addition to their actions as parents, also make a list of your reactions. Did you not always get the love and attention you desired? For example, think about the times when you were sick. Did your parents get you extra treats to help you feel better? Or did they tell you to “brave” it? What would you do when attending your sick child? Think about the time when you lost in a sporting activity. Were your parents hard on you or did they teach you’re the true sports spirit? How are you reacting to your children’s winnings or failures at sports? Were you bullied at school? Was someone unfair with you? How did your parents support you? 

Maybe yours told you to fight your own battles as a part of the “tough love” strategy. Did that toughen you up or left you more bitter or vulnerable. These experiences are worth recalling for the purpose of our list building exercise. The more reactions and actions you have on your list, the more you can choose to create a new parenting path for yourself and your child. 
Now request your partner to do the same. Merge your lists and determine the best course of parenting action for your children. What have you just established here? You managed to be consciously aware of your parenting style. You know which tendencies to avoid and which to build upon. With a supportive spouse, you can do this even more successfully. 
You don’t have to parent like your parents. But you can choose the best styles for your children. A little practice is all you need. And being mindful. While you are at it, do call your parents to apologize for being such a tough kid! Weren’t they right when they said “Wait till you have your own kid?”